Proof that none of us has mentally grown out of high school, the internet exploded this week with a spate of gentle cyber bullying. But it’s OK - because the victim was a very very healthy grown up with nice skin, her own company and presumably regular bowel movements, and if she can’t handle it, who can? It began with the well-meaning owner of a health smoothie company posting ‘My Day On A Plate’ - a run-down of everything she ate in an average day. She kind of had it coming. These days there is simply no way you can say, ‘handful of nuts’ and ‘kale’ in close proximity to each other without sounding like a chronic bore. Suffice to say everyone’s posting their own days-on-a-plate, and they are golden. Read some here.Meanwhile we decided to weigh in ourselves, giving you all a quick run down on the daily diets of some recognisable characters who frequent the white isle. And guys, it’s the PG day-on-a-plate today. We begin with the easy target…
Occupation: PR/artisanal soap maker on the side
Life Goals: Inner peace, insufferable positivity and a really big new house. Appearance: Radiant, effortless, chic. Faint smell of hoummous.
6:30am - Hot water and lemon, mostly lemon. If your mouth puckers like a cat’s butt you’ve done it right. Makes me feel alive.
8:00am - Kale and cashew spread on gluten free sugar free joy free wholegrain cardboard. Wash it down with barley and banana smoothie.
10:00am - Wheatgrass shot.
1:30pm - Egg-white omelette, small handful of raw almon- wait, maybe just another wheatgrass shot.
3:30pm - Around this time my energy levels tend to dip, so I pick them right up by downing 3 shots of wheatgrass and shooting off a few passive aggressive emails.
6pm - Poached salmon and raw carrot sticks for dinner. Wheatgrass shot on the side.
7pm - wheeeeaaaattgraaaasssssshooooottttt
7:30pm - wheatgrass wheatgrass wheatgrass
9pm - jessh one mmmooore sheatgrass whot! nousher sheetwuss rot! mmmmKALE. 9:10pm - Whole tub of kale and cashew spread eaten with fingers before passing out, buzzing with vitamins.
Occupation: Bar owner
Life Goals: Villa in the sun, economic stability, a clean and peaceful island. Appearance: Brown, rugged and relaxed. Blanket disapproval of strangers.
9am: Cafe con hielo (iced coffee), mushy tomatoes on soon-to-be-mushy bread.
12pm - Olives
1pm - Alioli and bread. And olives.
3pm - One leg of jamon, hanging. Bread and alioli. Olives. Alioli. Olives. Another leg of jamon.
6pm - Chorizo and olives. Aliolio and bread. Hierbas chupito (shot of the local spirit).
7pm - Olives.
8pm - Jamon
9pm - Around this time my energy levels begin to dip, so I take a tub of alioli, straight.
11pm - Steak, potato and olives for dinner. Also jamon.
11:30pm - Coffee and chupitos over flao (local cake). Breath still smells of garlic in bed thanks to the 9pm pick me up.
Occupation: Assistant electrician
Life goals: Have own reality TV show
Appearance: Of the “Sun’s out, guns out” school of thought.
2pm - Full english breakfast to line the stomach. Cup of tea, because England.
3pm - Bevvies
4pm - Bevvies
5pm - Cheeky bevvies
6pm - Around this point my energy levels begin to dip, so I have a vodka redbull and a fight.
7pm - Over priced pizza at touristy restaurant.
10pm - Bevvies
7am - Made a quick pit stop returning from club to grab kfc chicken combo meal, dodgy kebab, slice of pizza, supermarket chicken sandwich and 2 haribo sour packs, to cleanse the palate before bed.
Life Goals: Wolf of Wall Street.
10:30am - Hotel breakfast of fresh fruit salad plus toasted granola and scrambled eggs, bacon and coffee
12pm - Expensive chopped fruit bought from man on beach. Expensive coconut water from same enterprising fellow.
2pm - VIP sushi platter. VIP aspect of said sushi is mysterious, as is the dish’s popularity.
2:30pm - Still hungry because sushi sucks, also my breath smells like Nemo. So Mars Bar.
3pm - VIP gin bar cocktails.
5pm - Cocktails.
7pm - Around this time my energy tends to drop, so I sip my cocktails from a reclining position.
9pm - Steak and potato gratin, orange zest reduction, pimiento peppers. All barely touched - the cocktails must have put me off my dinner, must look into the properties of this VIP gin right after I finish this fascinating conversation with a stranger, isn’t it funny how you just connect with people better on holidays? Let me tell you about my poodle back home, she would love you.
11pm - Up-market red wine, sent back, returned, sent back, enjoyed into the wee hours.
Life goals: Massive global DJ or epically popular party promoter.
3:30pm - Wake up feeling near death. Burger King workers’ meal sorts it out.
4 - 7pm - Snagged a few free beers whilst on the ticket sales beat.
8pm - Dinner of 2 minute pot noodle, curry flavour. Mango chutney sachet appears to be missing - a harsh blow to the dining experience.
9pm - Rum and cokes
9am - Around this time I usually start to feel a dip in energy, so I grab a little pick me up with a few old slices of processed ham and recently located mango chutney sachet.