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Ranting Raver: Beating Ibiza Blues

Originally published on Ibiza Spotlight

“All the department store Christmas ads have made me cry. I heard that Walking In The Air snowman song in Tesco and it made me cry. The bin bag broke as I was taking it outside and, well… it’s just an emotional time right now.” - Weepy Wilomeena, London.
“My husband and I are fighting because I white-washed our entire house and replaced our front lawn with sand and shirtless Italians.” - Anonymous, Amsterdam

Ibiza is highly addictive – on this we can all agree. The more time you spend in this decadent microcosm of eternal sunshine and sleep-ins, the harder it is to let go. Once you’ve learnt the tricks of the endurance partying trade, there’s simply no such thing as too much Ibiza. It’s also a land of extremes: the highs are phenomenally high and the lows (though in practice are 100% first world in their mild nature) at least can feel like unholy rock bottom. Walks Of Shame, for example, tend to feel more shameful when you’re stumbling away from a villa party across scrubland in a remote part of the north of the island, untold miles from public transport, alioli and tequila caked in your hair, down one shoe, up four bruises and trailing an all-but-plucked feather boa around your ankles. Or so I’m told.

Well, as the aching emptiness in your soul and your pale skin will remind you, it’s all over for the year. Summer is done, the clubs are closed and folks are wearing scarves and subconsciously humming Mariah Carey Christmas carols. Before you flip out and start packing your bags for a ski season to escape the realities of normal life, observe the Ranting Raver's guidelines for Beating Ibiza Blues. No one ever said you had to go cold turkey.

1. Eat healthily.

It’s not as boring as it sounds. You probably existed on an irregular eating pattern in Ibiza, but food is now your best friend. Eat things that are naturally colourful like fruits, vegetables and haribo multi-packs to brighten your dreary winter day. Chop them into amusing shapes and characters so eating a salad is like hanging out with friends. Friends you can eat when they speak out of turn. 

Pop a multi-vitamin. Pop a magnesium. Pop a spirulina. Miss toasting with a hierbas chupito after every meal? Down a wheatgrass shot instead! I’m kidding, that sounds terrible. Whilst you should be ingesting a picnic basket of natural vitamins from your social salads, not everybody froths over vitamin-rich bowls of kale and spinach like the Internet would have you believe. Regular supplement intake will pump you full of the good stuff in ultimate convenience and, to anyone who cares to snoop in your cupboard, make you look like you’re really winning at life. Still - keep the peanut butter jar on a high shelf for emergencies.

"Things that are OK in Ibiza don’t seem to be OK back home. Squirting strangers with glitter, for example, is a no go. Arriving to a function two hours late wearing flip flops and a feather boa is also frowned upon. I just feel caged." - Adjusting in Aberdeen.
“I think we can all agree the lack of topless women in public places is a cruel punishment for returning to our normal lives. I miss the titties, I really do.” - Eric, Berlin

2. Work up a sweat.

Your exercise regime in Ibiza probably existed on the dance floor and some low energy splashing in the sea. It’s unlikely you will get a chance to be in either of these locations for a while so gym it up, people. Endorphins are your friend, they make you happy just like your favourite song can. Speaking of your favourite song, exercising is a great opportunity to listen to new dance music, or lose yourself in a recorded set from your favourite night of the summer. You might also like to combine music and exercise by recreating the infamously high bikini lines and thrusting hips of Eric Prydz’ Call On Me music video. Be sure to film the results.

Between all the sweaty skin on show, the pumped up muscles and sale-hungry gym workers trying to lock you into an over-priced membership deal, trips to the gym will feel just like you’re back in Playa d’en Bossa in August, awww. Meanwhile, getting healthy will make you look and feel better, so even if your Ibiza holiday actually nearly destroyed you, some quick damage control upon return will alleviate some of the symptoms and trick people into thinking you returned revitalised and rejuvenated, instead of mildly radioactive.

"I’m having these Inception style dreams where I wake up and my head is a horse, and then I wake up again and I’m in Ibiza with my human head, then I wake up and there’s this horse head in my bed, and a PR manager shaking me awake to ask how many sales I’ve made, and he’s on horseback… I just don’t know where all this horse-related imagery has come from." - Amy, San Antonio worker.
“Melbourne put on a particularly beautiful sunset whilst I was on the train the other day, so as the sun dipped behind the horizon I burst into applause. The carriage didn’t join in, and even gave me dirty looks when I whooped and cheered the plane passing overhead. I’m a vibrant rose in a world of sepia, alone and un-watered." - Lonely Rose, Melbourne Australia

3. Reminisce to the point of rudeness.

That story that you can’t quite remember the details of because you were so wasted that doesn’t have a lot of point and OMG it was so hilarious but you just had to be there? Tell that bad boy. Tell it to everyone. You’ve paid your money, lots of it, and you should be entitled to milk the holiday for as long as possible. Has everyone in your life seen that photo of the sunset? But did they see all the other 30 photos of the sunset? Remember when you filmed the start of that DJ set, but accidentally started filming 3 minutes before anything happened at all? I think somebody - nay everybody - needs to see that.

Reminiscing on the special moments of the summer will get you through the winter. Howard Hughes it and lock yourself up in your room with all photos and footage from your Ibiza trip. Don’t return to society until you’ve grown enough hair to rock a beard and man-bun combo (or in the case of ladies, until you’ve grown enough hair that your bun is bigger than your head).

The hardest thing is waking up before midday; the morning is for ending the day, not beginning it! Everything I know is a lie." - Confused, LA
“What I can’t bear is the way all the Ibiza-based websites are still posting pictures of glorious sunsets and coastal vistas. The least they could do once we’ve all left is to pretend there’s nothing decent going on. Their continued appreciation of the beauty of nature is just rude." Sunsetsick, Wigan.

4. Dull your pain by dulling your brain.

Never underestimate the numbing power of mindless entertainment. If you’re not reminiscing you should avoid brain activity and reflection as much as possible. Do you really want to start analysing your post-Ibiza life? Comparing your home to the white isle? Wondering how real a holiday friendship really is? How important it is to keep catching the tube to work? Thinking is for sad people. What you want to do is spend your time and attention on mindless listicles such as this. Or even better – Buzzfeed quizzes. Now is the time to discern with pinpoint accuracy the colour of your hypothetical aura, discover which 90s pin-up you are most like, tally how many quotes you remember from Fresh Prince of Bel Air and chortle over the many home truths, gifs, freaky cats and shocking stories with absolutely no basis in fact the internet has placed at all of our disposal.

On the viewing side of things, go for the obvious: middle class humour and feel good emotional films. Will Rory pass her test on Gilmore girls? What wacky thing will Phoebe from Friends say next? Watch emotional movies but stick to ones with happy endings. It’s cathartic to let the emotions flow in a safe zone like a bedroom, but don’t make the mistake of watching something which will leave you horrified, depressed and mildly nihilistic like Requiem For a Dream. Seriously, how did no one stop me doing that? What you’re looking for is UP, Groundhog Day or the Land Before Time.

“I miss driving past giant images of middle-aged men where-ever I go. Where else in the world is still using the same form of headliner-featured billboards that they were 20 years ago? Ibiza is unique.” - James, London
“I have dreams that I’m back at Amnesia, the best dreams I’ve ever had, then when I wake, I can’t remember any of it except to know that it happened. Not unlike my whole trip to Ibiza actually.” - Amnesia sufferer, Dublin

5. Start planning.

…the next Ibiza trip. Seriously, it’s never too early to book, and you can never come back too many times. Having something to look forward to is crucial to beating these blues, because you know the purgatory of every day life wont last forever. We’ve explained the concept in giant graph form. 

GRAPH | Why you should be planning your next Ibiza holiday.

“I guess I even miss the looky-looky men. I’ve never bought from them before, but now that the option is gone to purchase novelty hats and penis-sunglasses moments just keep presenting themselves where I could really have used a pair.” - Regret-filled in California.